Love on the Dawn of Tagedy

In light of the horrific event which occurred in Aurora, Colorado, I remain in a state of shock and sadness surrounding this tragedy as I begin to process through how it has affected me. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around this. I found myself having to turn off the news yesterday because of the media feeding frenzy which is now occurring. On one of my face book pages yesterday I found myself immediately joined in a group supporting a death sentence for the killer. A discussion arose from a comment I made about feeling it was inappropriate that Mitt Romney's statement about the event be presented alongside President Obama's in a seemingly "tit for tat" grab for air time during this campaign season. Though I do not agree with most of Mr. Obama's policies, it is still appropriate that he as the elected President of the United States of America address this grievous episode with which our entire country and world must contend and not so, in the very same breath, for his opponent who has never been a Colorado official nor resident. One woman, who commented on my post, suggested that I don't blame Romney because "all kinds of public figures" were being asked by the media for their comments and that he was just one of the many who were being asked to share their view. I challenged the comment by stating that the other public figures weren’t featured immediately after President Obama’s statement, aren't running for office nor were their statements framed from behind a podium with the American flag hanging in the background. During his statement, Romney said he was laying aside his campaign, and appeared in “casual/professional” as he looked down to read the words from a statement obviously pre-prepared by someone else; words carefully selected for ratings, I'm sure. In reflection I know that this woman is right and that although my point is well taken, the more important conclusion I came to as a result of the exchange with her, is the acknowledgement that, once again, my tendency has shown up to attempt to transform my most uncomfortable feelings into more palatable ones; such as anger. The truth is that I am so sad that this happened and scared it could have been me or that could have been my son in the Century Theater. We had just gone to the theater ourselves the night before to see Spiderman and were looking forward to the new Batman coming out yesterday. I have such heartache about this and I am so shaken by it that I'm not sure what to do with this sense of such an assault to our collective soul by this obvious evil. There are some events which occur in our lives which touch us in such a way that the moment they come into our life's bubble, they seem to leave an indelible mark on our very essence. We will remember the time of day, where we were, what we were doing and the sense of surreal when we heard of this unthinkable event the evil of which seems to weigh more than our hearts can process or minds imagine. In the past when I have encountered tragic events in my own life, a defense mechanisms sets in which arises to help me survive through the experience and continue on without the immediate sting of it's presence. This built in process seems necessary so we can survive our stories despite the mark or scar which often remain. Murder brings so much up for me as I was affected by such an evil as a young child. As just a little girl, I was a victim of sexual abuse, molestation and rape the perpetrators of which were surrounded by a murder/suicide. Though I am clear about this not being true now, the child within me had internalized a mistruth that I had some part in causing it to happen. Even though I was only four years old when this happened, the effects this had on my life were devastating. As a result, I practiced dishonesty and mistrust of others, the fruit of which kept me spun in a continued pattern of self sabotage and refusal to accept love. As I got older I learned to hide that hurt little girl, partly to protect her but most of all because the devastation she experienced made her too needy and dirty to deal with so I just shut her away and tried to forget about her. I guess events like this one in Colorado bring her to mind because sometimes she still gets so terribly scared of this world; and rightly so. It is scary and evil does exist and bad things do happen to good people for no apparent or justifiable reason. I ask myself; what shall I do with this sense of powerlessness I feel over these kinds of events over which I have no control? I suppose the answer is to practice acceptance. I must accept that evil exists and that its nature is to steal, kill and destroy. That is it's nature; it's just what it does. That does not mean I have to like it or that I must embrace it. In fact I hate it. It brings tears to my eyes to try and imagine, the Christmas mornings and other holdiays these families will have without one that was stolen from them. I ponder in my heart of all of the missed birthdays and phone calls, first dates and tender moments, bed time stories and first kicks of the unborn never be felt by ones that might have become mothers. These and countless more "life moments" have all beem savagely torn away from these people by someone who was a channel for evil; the loss of which (make our lives worth living), not even the death penalty could satisfy. A friend of mine called me yesterday and wanted to know if I would go see the movie with her. I found myself in a bit of judgment of her because of the part of me that can be so sanctimonious and declined. What I must realize is that we all subject to the web of sensationalism so paramount through what Michael Savage calls the fifth pillar; media. Allowing ourselves to be taken in by media to the point that we become pawns to its agenda instead of going within an finding a place of solitude in which we may be comforted and begin to heal. I know through my own experience that the road to forgiveness was fraught with distractions and delusions about what true forgiving actually is. It was impeded over years through my unconscious willingness to hold on to the toxic feelings of blame, hatred and despair about which I felt so justified. It seems these were useful for me for a season in my life and acted as a sense of power to get me through long enough to learn otherwise. As I experienced the consequences of these life stealing feelings, I am grateful for the grace of God which revealed to me that forgiveness never meant what happened to me was okay. I always thought if I forgave it meant I was somehow letting the other person off the hook even or justified what they did to me. Rather it was about setting myself free from my self appointed position of judge, jury and executioner. I felt it was my responsibility to hold them accountable for the damage I felt they had done to me, which ultimately was inexcusable. It was like drinking poison and expecting them to die. I do know for sure, without the grace of God through the love of Christ Jesus, I am incapable of allowing forgiveness to manifest on my own. As we share in the horrific event that has touched many of us at a level which transcends our ability to verbalize it, may we always remember that we participate in perpetuating it's effects if we allow it to make us less loving toward one another. Instead, may we take this time to stare evil in it's face and let it know that although it may from time to time rear it's grotesque head, it will not prevail, God is the ultimate judge and vengeance will be His. Seeking his perfect love which abides in me, I will become more willing to risk smiling at a stranger, reveal even deeper parts of my souls longing, share my own fears so that by releasing my own inner demons, I may demonstrate it is possible to others through the grace of God. May I be freed from that voice inside me which echoes; "Crucify him", and not let a spirit of condemnation rule in my mind which wants to speak out against those who I judge as "insensitive", "insincere" or who I perceive to have the desire or motive to exploit this event for their own means. I think it cheapens the experience of the families who rather need all of us to just sit quietly and pray for a spirit of comfort and peace to take hold them and revere the lives of those lost loved ones. What I have forgotten as I entertain all of these thoughts is that God is with them even when the world isn't and the world doesn't have the power to take anything real away from us, but sometimes it still feels that way and it doesn't make the hurt and suffering any less. May this evil force be blocked and bound from the avenue it often uses for continued stealing and destruction through its means of profit before people and politics as usual. May my heart turn within and rather take this opportunity to revere and love my neighbor on a more substantive level. Through God’s mercy and in the name of Jesus, I will not allow this evil to prosper or grow it’s seed in me by letting this make me love God less or hate my fellow more. I will practice allowance by grieving this disgrace to the human spirit in a way that makes me cry out; Help us, Abba Father! May what the enemy intended to steal our joy and extend perpetuated trauma be turned on itself by the power of God which bring all things together for good for those that love him. May we all practice raising our heads from our iphones and actually look one another in the eye with a calming assurance to prove our souls can still connect and at least occasionally turn our heads away from the media moguls to take the time out we so desperately need to connect with ourselves and our families to begin the process of the healing of our humanity. May there be just one more answered call from a friend or call to a family member as a gesture of our love of them and our appreciation for their presence in our lives. May we extend our smile to a stranger or hold the door for another a little more often and let the enemy know it will not win. Father God we pray: Make us worthy Lord to serve our fellow men throughout the world, who live and die in poverty and hunger. Give them through our hands, this day, their daily bread and by our understanding love give peace and joy. Lord, make me a channel of thy peace. That where there is hatred I may bring love, That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness, That where there is discord, I may bring harmony, That where there is error I may bring truth, That where there is doubt I may bring faith, That where there is despair I may bring hope, That where there are shadows I may bring light, That where there is sadness I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted, To understand than to be understood, To love than to be loved. For it is by forgetting self that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven, it is by dying that one awakens to eternal life. Amen -St. Francis of Assisi